Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sethums' LiveJournal:

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Sunday, August 16th, 2009
1:25 am	Rational thinking and logic should be required courses in public schooling, starting as early as possible. Could you imagine the impact on society if we were taught to think, to follow the basic socratic method and merely question everything until the answer is irrefutable? Could you imagine what kind of a world that would lead to? I think it might be as close to utopia as humanity is as capable of achieving. Could you imagine a woman who thought logically instead of emotionally? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 26th, 2009
2:19 am	Change A funny thing is change, sweeping in when you don't expect, altering something critical and slapping you in the face with the tuna fish of chutzpah. Seems like Change comes 'round when you least expect and stays far far away when it's most needed. Politicians preach change, scream for change, have angry coitus with change only to find the change they so direly call for is a paradox to the nature of their very existence. Change has once more smacked me in the head with a sledgehammer, yet this time in my life I do not shake my fist or scream injustice. This time I boldy embrace and accept the change, embrace it to my heart with the intention of never letting go. Sure, not everything about me needs to or has changed, but the critical things are quickly falling into place, piece by piece, just waiting for that straight block to complete the tetri. High score, motherfuckers. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
2:17 am	Every day my tolerance for humanity shrinks. The slightest things drive me further into a hermetic state.. Someone who's impolite to a cashier at a grocery store, a person who drives terribly, bad service at the drive through. Then there are the people who I see every day that only deepen my hatred for our kind, who blather on and on about their pointless lives, relating their dramas within ear shot where, though I try so very hard to block it out, it still seeps into my brain. Every day gets harder to go out and face the populace, to be touched by their filthy ignorance, terrible manners and all around psychic stench. I'm pro-global warming. Pro in the sense that I don't think we should take steps to correct what we've done. Just vote big business and let them continue to destroy our planet. That way Earth will take care of the disease that is humanity and some day right the balance again. Fuck you, humanity. Fuck you right in the ass. Current Mood: grumpy (Comment on this)
Friday, May 16th, 2008
2:14 am	Faded Dream You're just another faded dream Burned into my scarred retinas Wanted so badly to make you true Needed so much for you to be real Sad reality dictates that it's all Just another futile exercise I watch you cross the street and wonder Where you're going, why away Come back here and sit with me Drink and smoke your life to dust Pervert and desecrate my intuition Whatever it takes to make me feel I remember when writing used to come easy, when I was full of prurient prose, when deep thoughts and vivid emotions flowed from my pen to the paper. When I felt proud of what I wrote. Blargh. THIS IS FUCKING TERRIBLE!!! Current Music: (hed) p.e. - "POS" (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 9th, 2008
12:14 am	lol God I'm such an emo fag when I'm dissapointed or hurt... and drunk. Gotta make sure not to do that anymore. I was going to attempt writing today, but I'm so bushed from work and my lack of sleep last night that it's not going to happen. Got a great idea for a short story/novella, though. Hopefully I'll find the motivation to start that this weekend. So, how about those crazy democrats, huh? Hillary should just drop out.. what' the point now? Obviously more people prefer Herr Obama,prefer his message and.. stuff. I don't know... too tired to care right now. Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
1:21 am	God I'm emo. Too old for this shit. (Comment on this)
1:15 am	Reality Reality hurts. It likes to smack you in the face. You dream about something, you hope and 'pray' and it doesn't happen. Reality.. god i hate you. You've shown me that all I have is me. You've shown me the negatives of feeling, the negatives of opening up. People really are not worth the effort. Every single one of them will let you down, every single one of them will slip the knife in somewhere when you think it's okay to trust, okay to be emotional. Don't hope, don't dream, don't ever aspire to be anything more than you can be on your own. So you know what... I am a rock. I am a mother fucking island. And no one else is welcome here. We are a cannabalistic people. We will eat you. Done. Over. What's next? This is an open memo to anyone who takes the time to read my journal: I am only me. Don't try to understand me, don't ever try to accept me, don't give me anything of yourself. I have to focus on me, because I am fucking alone. Current Music: Bleeding Through "On Wings of Lead" (Comment on this)
1:04 am	Fuck it. You know what? Fuck it. I'm so fucking sick and tired of feeling shit and having it thrown back at me. Emotions are pointless and lead nowhere. Only pain comes with them. I'm sick of being let down, I'm sick of being lied to, I'm sick of everything. Time to go back to being cold, distant and withdrawn from everything. I open my mouth and shit happens and then nothing. I feel something, some deep bond, some bullshit intuition and it doesn't lead where I want it to. I think I can handle the rejection, think I can handle the acceptance.. but I can't. I can't deal, I can't focus, I can't center. Everything I feel only makes everything harder to deal with. So why feel? Why let my emotions run? No, no more. Done. I'm done. The most beautiful thing in the world, the thing I just want to hold and cherish, the thing that makes me feel that feeling is worth it.. fuck. Shit. Fuck it. Done. No more. No one is ever getting close to me ever again. Current Mood: drunk Current Music: Bleeding Through "Love in Slow Motion" (Comment on this)
Monday, May 5th, 2008
11:44 pm	Twists and Turns When you spend as much time musing about life as I do, you tend to mull over and over again what the reason for us being here is. I still haven't quite hit the head on the singular reason for humanities continued existance, but I'm starting to think life is just simply about living. Enjoying the few good times, hurdling the constant obstacles in your path, trying to be cool with everything. Who knows. Then there are events in life that fucking terrify me. For the longest time I was scared of losing my family, scared of splitting up with Beth and then having my kids grow up in two broken homes. That idea isn't exactly a fear instiller anymore. I think my kids are better off without us together.. honestly, all we do is fight. Why bring children into that? Seems illogical, really. But what really does terrify me? I'll explain. I have the curse of empathy (though it can be a blessing). I seem to understand what people are thinking, how they're feeling, I can sense things about them. I figure people out quickly. Earlier in my life I used this ability to try and help people, but only seemed to get drawn into the quagmire of their problems. Age has brought wisdom in this matter, teaching me to keep my mouth shut. I've never met anyone else who had this as strongly as I do. But now I have. And this person scares the shit out of me. I've spent time with them, only to realize we have some sort of deep bond that's mostly been unspoken. Honestly never had that before. The scary part stems from my isolationist policy... I don't want people to know me, to know my dark secrets and the way I work. I don't want to have my emotions stirred. Yet they do, they inspire queer things I've never felt before, quicken desires that I'm equally terrified of. I've never wanted to feel close to someone like this before, never wanted them to feel close to me. As deeply as I want this to happen, I want it to go away equally. I could sit down and pour my soul out to them... but what if they accept me? I could care less about rejection..... how strange is it to fear acceptance? The goal of this blog post was to put my thoughts down and get them out of my head. I don't think it's going to work, though. What the fuck do I do now? Current Music: The Mars Volta "Cojugal Burns" (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
1:14 pm	Pyre I wrapped you up in cellophane I soaked your face with gasoline I took a piece of your heart And you can never have it back I talked with you of all the times We drifted off to irony But you weren't listening again So I struck a match and said goodbye Tossed it on your pyre Then watched it all explode in my face While I lost myself in your good graces You warmed me up, so deep inside And in my heart there were no more lies I knew then at that moment This life is going to be better without you Current Music: Modest Mouse - "Breakthrough" (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 20th, 2008
8:24 pm	A letter I wrote to a christian friend, which states my condensed views on organized religion. Maybe someday I'll do the work and cite sources, make this an actual essay. But probably not. The Old Testament is a collection of laws, superstitions and stories accumulated to control and rule over a people (in this case the Israelites) and much of it is borrowed from religions which predated judaisim borrowed from the other primitive tribes around them. The Epic of Gilgamesh is a Sumerian poem that pre-supposes the historical dates of the original books of the Torah and from which the writers of those books borrowed elements from the creation story and Noah's Ark. Of course, the Christian response to that is always 'it's the devil working his magic' or some other asinine contradiction to solid, hard evidence. There's also many similarities between the biblical figure of Christ and what was going on in the rest of the world with other great teachers. Of course, you're not going to hear this in church or find it in any Christian text because.. what would that do? It would be the work of the devil! Which, of course, is the way to control a sheeple into going against the grain of what the Church teaches and, in effect, ends up costing them money (which I truly believe isn't the prime motivation of the Church but, they do need to keep up costs). The way I view religion is three fold: Control, Morality, Peace. Control comes into place when you look at religious law: Live this way, do this thing, believe this or you suffer in some way shape or form. In ancient times, the Jews (for example) had to live a certain way or be punished. This was using the main tool of any government to control it's people: Fear. Remember all the crazy shit you saw or heard about after 9/11? Terrorists sneaking in suit case nukes, crazy arabs with pen guns, shit like that? What did it do? Mass fear. It makes you trust your government, turns you into another sheeple. Morality throughout most religious works all boils down to pretty much the same thing, summed up best by the Wyld Stallyns: Be excellent to one another. Morality is, more or less, the same everywhere you look. Peace, of course, is that sense you attain when you are in tune with your faith, whatever that may be. Buddhists achieve Zen, Christians go to Heaven, Muslims go to heaven and are given 100 virgins (they definitely get the best deal, if you ask me). So what's my conclusion on religion, then? It's all the same, just with a different message to appeal to different people. I don't think there's an after life, and honestly I don't even know if I believe in the concept of a god. I think it's all about just living your life the best that you can, being decent to people, and taking care of your responsibilities. That, in my opinion, is the secret of life. Now, of course, if you do indeed give a rebuttal, I'm going to simply tell you this: Don't use the Bible alone. Cite other sources, because I obviously don't believe the Bible is the inspired word of god. It was just written by priests to control and rule the jews. As far as the New Testament goes, there were many gospels written that you've never seen, such as those penned by the Gnostic sect, which was a mix of Christianity and Greek Philsophy. What you have now is what a group of men decided would be the best course to use to teach their new message. Sorry for the long response, but, as I may have stated before, I am strongly anti-christian these days, and more or less have become very anti-religion all together. My mind works logically and thinks everything out, and everything supernatural Christians believe is completely wacky to me. Current Music: Amorphis - "My Kantele" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
6:45 pm	untitled 2 It feels good to write again, even though.. my god has my ability gotten rusty. I wish I still had those notebooks filled with the really good stuff.. oh well. This is pretty bad in my opinion, but it felt quasi-satisfying to write. As usual, it's the first, winging it draft(I never seem to go over my writing again..). The flow is pretty bad, and once more I've drifted back to my habit of rhyming and not rhyming. Oh well. Prose up your ass. There is a hole inside my self I filled it up with isolation I turned my back away from you To escape your devastation And in this time I have alone A sudden realization dawned on me I'm better off in solitude Than ever I was surrounded by you All the perniciousness you accrued Deep in your heart against me Has led me down this path, seeking Where exactly I put myself And now I'm content that I've found me There is a balance, A joy that I've attained Spoken in the quiet moments Screaming with the falling rain. Current Music: Sunny Day Real Estate - "In Circles" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
4:07 pm	Amazing It's amazing how life shapes and molds you. A few years ago I never thought I would of made it this far. I would of never though the things that have happened to me would ever occur. But, despite the pain these things have made me feel, despite the negativity that I've put myself through and been put through, it's amazing that I can look ahead and see that things just might be okay. So here's to moving on with life. Cheers. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: The Postal Service - Brand New Colony (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 19th, 2007
12:23 am	Writhing I stand on a precipice, shrouded in doubts and illusions, self loathing and the advancing threat of complete and total collapse. Everything seems to go wrong.. funny how it can all turn around in one day. My failures and short comings, the things I used to shield my heart come crashing back over me like a wave of agony, drowning me in a sea of endless and unrelenting sorrow. Why did you do these things to me? Repressed back in the piss stained room of my most hated remembrances, I scratch at the walls of impending insanity, craving for the answer that I know isn't to be mine. Look at the failures you've raised me to embrace, the times you should of been there but were too busy hating yourself and seeking anything to numb the pain of your pitiful masquerade. You left me alone when I needed you the most, casting me aside to grow and develop not in a fruitful manner but to turn all those potential flowers into decaying compost. Even when you came free from your exile, you're vain attempts at making up for lost time caved in on your never ending selfishness. I wish I could say that I hate you, but that's an emotion too strong for a wretch like you. You deserve only pity, to be cast aside and made a pariah to the ones who've only supported you and stood by your side. You've nearly ruined my chance for salvation in the eyes of my most loved, the person who I would never let get close to my heart until I saw the imminent loss of her pure and unquestioning love. You should of given me the tools to be a man, to stand up and take responsibility for the things I needed, should of given me the skills to cope with the continuous hurdles life throws in my path. Instead you left me alone, with no picture of what a man is, of what a man does to make sure everything is taken care. Fuck you. Now, worse than before, the big question mark of my future looms over my head, taunting and jeering me with the promise of loss, with the inevitable rise of complete and utter despair. .......She is wonderful, despite the flaws I easily forgive, despite the hardships that she endured and couldn't quite cope with. I know it's my duty to support her and help her through the repressed darkness that clouds her mind. Most of all, the hell that I gave to her must be forgotten, must be lost in the shine of my true self. I will do anything for you, anything it takes to prove to you that I'm not the monster that he is, that his corruption is purged from my inner self, and all that dwells in my heart is the pure and unquestioning love you've given me for so long. Please, just give me one more chance, one more span of time to prove to you what I am, and have always been, hiding so deep away in the nuclear arsenal of my perverted self protection. I love you. I could never come up with the correct flowery words, the most descriptive juxtaposition of verbs and adjectives to explain it. I'll never let you down, I'll never turn my back on you, I'll never do the things that I did before. You're all that I need in my life, the part that completes the puzzle of my existence, the most radiant thing to ever touch my miserable life. Without you I'm lost, floating on the already described sea of sorrow. Please, God... just let this one thing happen for me..... (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
1:08 pm	some words... I count the seconds that have passed since the time this all went down sitting still I shake and ask why this has to go on for so long? it's hard to sleep when all I do is think about the unbalance this has caused Undecided, drifting either way this paradigm shift is driving me mad all I want is for you to know how much I love you how sorry I am how I'd do anything for you all I want is for you to know that you're in my mind every second that my heart beats your name that every breath is saved for you all I want is to know do you love me? do you belive me? I can't do this much longer losing my strength to keep the fight up... soon... this too will all end and I can sit and contemplate all the thing I did to fuck myself up this way... and in the end... all I have.. will be this... hopeless bleak despair.... rar Current Music: Radiohead - 'Faust Arp' (Comment on this)
Friday, November 16th, 2007
6:37 am	Evolution... or perhaps regression. I've been so blind for so long. To think that I didn't cherish emotion, that I let apathy and indifference rule my life for far to long. How could I have been content with such an empty existance? I suppose the simple answer was that the apathy really made anything else pointless. But, the truth of the matter is, I missed so much this entire time. All the joy and happiness I could of shared, all the pain that could of helped me grow as a person. Not to mention all that I could be losing due to my selfish actions. Oh well. If anything, this has been a learning experiance, and it's helped me to remember one important lesson that someone who hurt me very badly taught me... love fully, fiercing, and with everything. You never know when that love may be over, when those moments of complete bliss will disappear... so enjoy and relish them while you can, and when it ends, embrace the pain and dwell in the remembrance of what you felt. Then move on. Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Monday, November 5th, 2007
11:24 pm	words The fucking paranoia, the fear.. it grips me continuously, turning my insides to acid, corroding away my ability to eat, to function, to be strong. It's so hard to keep the food down.. everything still tastes like ash, every thought and movement in my brain draws me closer to insanity. This rushing feeling in my heart, it feels like the damn thing will explode any moment.. the uncertainty of everything is bearing down on me, a crushing weight I can't seem to shrug off. I hate having the course of my life hinging on another person's decision.. but this is one I can't take into my own hands, one I can't simply just choose. No, I need to know the answer, I need to stay the course and try to pull through.... You little fucking faggot. What I wouldn't give to meet you in a dark alley, to show you the darkest side of me, the part that aches and screams to have absolution, to make atonement for the atrocities you've placed in my heart. Sad part is, you're too much of a coward to do anything but subvert my words and dinker away at what I've built. Go live your life far away from mine, detach your parasitic little teeth from the back of my soul and lead your lonely, wretched existance in the sewers of your own self worthlessness. Luckily this new found sense of self and worth stands up in my weak moments, enforcing my resolve to remain on the path of true enlightenment. A calm that assures me that everything will be fine, that regardless of the choice that is made my life will be for the better. Perhaps this presence I sense so near to me at all times is to those that i've prayed to for strength and guidance. I love her more than words could ever hope to describe, a pure feeling that isn't to be tainted in anyway.. not even by the paranoia of being lied to. I've done terrible things to her, I've neglected and frittered away, I've cast dire stones and they've put me at this moment, this moment that will soon define the rest of my life. But nothing will shake that complete sense of love, that complete sense of serenity I feel when I am allowed to see into her soul.... It tears me apart that she must decide, that I've put her in the situation where she must make a decision. I love her so much that I just want to walk away, so that the pressure and stress of the moment finally alleviate for her... yet I can't, becuase as I stated.. this is a situation that she must decide, and I have to stand supportive next to her. Godamn, man... life is a fucking ride. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
3:55 pm	Just stay... You came to me without promises or lies and I never believed a word you said you came to me with only everything of you and I took it all for granted you came to me with unconditional love and I threw it right back in your face you came to me and stood by me and all I did was run away in those times, those darkest times you never stopped believing in me in those times, those darkest times you gave everything you had to me and now you're walking away I hate myself for all the bullshit I put you through I wish I hadn't been so overly confused Locked inside my own world I could only push you away Never gave you a chance to step inside never gave you a chance to stay I know that I may be too late But I still just have to try... Give me one more chance to let you in give me one more chance to show you who I am let me love you everyday until we're old and crazy.... Please don't walk away... Please, god.. just stay. Current Music: Blue October 'Hate Me' (Comment on this)
Monday, September 17th, 2007
5:06 pm	Emotion = weakness What good is emotion? It obfuscates and terrorizes rational thinking, throws logic in fetters and casts it in the deepest, dankest cell. Anger or hope or sadness consumes you and makes you do irrational things. Emotion is a strong devil, and perhaps the most devious of all. Sometimes it makes you feel good. It lies to you and hides the truth of oppression inherent in everything. It wraps you in a blanket of ignorance that makes you blindly follow something, never even thinking to use the most important part of your brain, the thing that truly sets us apart from animals. Rational thought and logic are what make us human. They've birthed science and philosophy. Where would be without these things? People oppressed by priests living in mud brick houses and dwelling in fear of a fake being reigning it's wrath upon us. And you choose to live with emotion? With the very thing that leads you to be less human? Give me a cold heart and a rational mind over ignorance and stupidity any day. Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 26th, 2007
1:11 am	Chapter 2 excerpt I don't know why the formatting is all messed up. Usually I can copy/paste right to it. Oh well. I don't like chapter 2 that much, I'm not as familiar with the character as I feel I should be. I also wanted the battle sequence to be more... but it works for now. When I go through and revise it I can make the changes I want to make. For now, here it is. As previously, if you would like to read the whole thing, let me know. The morning had dawned crip and clear, only a hint of winters receeding chill lingering to make the soldiers clutch their cloaks tighter about them. They stood in formation, watching the line of trees a half mile away. "The men are ready, General," Major Gallus Festus said, looking out over the heavy infantry. "This will be an easy win." "Do not take the enemy for granted, Gallus. They have made this uprising a trying time for the Empire," Arion Hetranfeld said, resting a hand on the hilt of his blade. "As you say, General." Festus slammed a fist to his heart in salute. "Do you think they will engage?" "Hard to say. They have waged a hit and run war thus far. Our intelligence says that this is their last stronghold. We have them pinned down and they must know they cannot win against a full legion." Festus sighed, pulling on his helmet. "Why did they send us here?" Arion turned to face the Major, slapping the smaller man on his armored shoulder. "Would you prefer sitting at a fort somewhere, whittling away the time with drink and boredom? At least here we've seen a bit of fighting. At least here we can really serve the Empire." "For the glory of the Empire," Festus said half-heartedly, occaisioning a laugh from the General. "Here we are supressing a slave revolt." "Indeed," Arion responded, pursing a finger to his chin in thought. The strange Felpurr had resisted their enslavement predictably, but this revolt had been unexpected. While their weapons and tactics were as primitive as their culture, the cat men had been a thorn in the Empire's side for longer than would usually be tolerated. Empress Sahar had not waited more than five days after the Emperor's death to put the legion out. There had been a few skirmishes, but the army had put them down easily, backing the rebels into a corner against a mountain range. Arion hoped to draw them out, forgoing a long stay in a foreign land. "Should I order the men forward?" "No. We wait. They will come." "What makes you so certain, general?" Arion moved his hand from his sword hilt to rest both hands on the back of his warhorse. "Simple. They must know that we are not foolish enough to go into the forest and get them." "They could have tunnels dug into the mountains behind them." "True, but I think it unlikely. From what we know of the Felpurr, they are a very primitive race. The males are dominant and will see that their only chance for survival is to try and meet us in the field." Festus nodded, but remained silent, assuming the same posture as Arion. The air around them was still, tense, as if the Aether was preparing itself for what was to follow. The major fidgeted as the general laid out orders to runners. After an hour of stillness, the quiet was broken by a loud howl. Stepping from the line of trees were the Felpurr, adorned in simple armor that was more for ceremony and appeal than practical use. They carried primitive spears and shortbows. "This will be a slaughter," Festus whispered, clutching his reins. "Yes, I had assumed that from the beginning," Arion said, a touch of sadness evident in his voice. He had never agreed with the emperors push to enslave these creatures, but being a faithful servant of the Empire had kept his voice silent on the matter. "Ready arrows." "Arrows!" Festus barked, unsheathing his sword. A cry went up from the front lines as the archers prepared their longbows. With a roar of defiance, the Felpurr advanced, dropping down to all fours and running straight for the line of heavy infantry. They moved more quickly than a man, and fought fiercely and with great agility. "Loose!" The arrows arched upwards, filling the sky with shafts. When they fell, cries of pain resounded from the advancing line. "Loose! Infantry engage!" As the second volley filled the sky with arrows, the infantry advanced, a moving wall of scutums. In typical fashion, the front line threw their pila, followed by the second and third lines. And then the catmen were upon them. As the heavy infantry systematically cut apart the Felpurr, Arion watched, his sword hand twitching. He had risen from a talented infantry private and up through the ranks quickly, attaining his current post at the very young age of thirty four season cycles. While older officers in the Imperial Legions had been jealous of his quick rise, he had proven himself in early campaigns against the Galshir on the Eastern Continent. At times like these, as he watched his men fight and die, he longed to be in the midst of the fighting again instead of watching from behind the saftey of the lines. The battle lasted less than an hour. As the dead bodies of the catmen lay strewn about the ground before them, the infantry advanced forward, crushing the rest of the Felpurr resistance easily. "Well done, general," Festus said, nodding his head. Arion frowned. "There was no honor for these men in this," he said with a sigh. "Tend to the rest of the matters. I will be retiring to my tent." As Festus nodded, the general turned and headed back for the base camp, his small retinue of guards forming up alongside him. As they rode away, Arion lost himself to thought, shaken from his reverie only when a bright flash of light blinded him and the heavens fell around them. Current Music: Medeski, Martin & Wood - "Querencia" (Comment on this)